


wish you were here

by sunshinejohnny



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Crying, Cuddles, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Getting Together, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mentions of Blood, Mentions of Drunk Driving, Sick Character, Strong Language, Survivor Guilt, Terminal Illnesses, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Very sad im so sorry, alcohol use but its brief, all his friends love him, both of them have breakdowns at some point, everyone takes care of san, hongjoong becomes emotionally unavailable, hongjoong has anger issues, it really is sad don't say i didnt warn you, san is a surfer, san is truly the sweetest, so is yeosang, woosan centric, wooyoung becomes schizophrenic, wooyoung is super clingy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-17 01:20:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 12,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28716399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshinejohnny/pseuds/sunshinejohnny
Summary: san’s biggest regret was falling love with wooyoung.wooyoung’s biggest regret was not falling in love with san soon enough.
Relationships: Choi San/Everyone, Choi San/Jung Wooyoung, Jung Wooyoung/Kang Yeosang, Kang Yeosang/Song Mingi, Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa, Park Seonghwa/Everyone
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	1. first impressions

**Author's Note:**

> tw's will be included before chapters when necessary!
> 
> also disclaimer! in no way am i using this to romanticize death at all, most of my story is written as a coping mechanism lol

wooyoung was so fucking done with school.

junior year of college had lasted way longer than any other year of school he’d ever had, and boy did it kick his ass. sighing, he played with the lead in his mechanical pencil, the sound of his teacher droning on about the copernican revolution simply background music to accompany his thoughts. by the time the last bell rang, he was already halfway out the door, ready for the hot summer sun to welcome him with open arms.

finally stepping out of the lecture hall and making his way to the nearest exit, he waved goodbye to some of his friends (see: acquaintances he was barely accustomed with) from his lecture. shoving past the upperclassmen dwindling in the hallways, he practically threw the building door open. not once did he look back, marching proudly down the steps of his lecture hall, the words "Department of Astronomy" mounted proudly on the front of the building.

basically jogging at this point, wooyoung arrived at his dorm in record time, and immediately he’d thrown his backpack in a corner somewhere, with no intention of opening it until the start of next semester. if he heard one more person talk about the idea of a geocentric solar system, his head would quite literally explode. 

his first stop had already been decided, as a new pack of oreos greeted him on the kitchen counter. a sticky note sat atop the container, clearly written in haste. 

"half are mine. see you later. -hyung"

he smiled as he pulled out a couple cookies, downing them in record time. rinsing his hands of the crumbs, he wrapped a couple more in a paper towel and stuffed them in his pocket. he'd most definitely forget about them, but future wooyoung would thank him when he discovered them alter.

rushing to his room, he’d grabbed his packed bags, making sure his roommate hongjoong was ready to leave before carrying their luggage out the door. every year since the start of high school, he and his friends would drive down to the beach, renting out an apartment that was way too small to house five people for the summer. since this summer was hongjoong's senior year, they'd saved up for a nicer beach house not too far from their favorite stretch of the boardwalk.

yeosang and wooyoung had been friends since middle school, and had met hongjoong in high school. through hongjoong, they met seonghwa and mingi, and thus, their small group was formed. it was an odd group, but it worked for them, and wooyoung couldn’t have asked for anyone better in his circle.

the drive to the beach that evening was filled with lots of talking and laughter, wooyoung joining in occasionally, but not completely there. as he watched the landscape fly by, the sun setting along the shore, he couldn’t help but shake the feeling that there would be something different about this summer. something good, that would change him for the better.

but all good things come with a price. and it wasn’t one wooyoung was ready to pay.

**…**

wooyoung wouldn’t ever forget the day he first saw san.

seated in a booth at the beachside dinner, wooyoung laughed as mingi noisily slurped his milkshake, attempting to down it in one go. three minutes later and two sips left, he’d given up, dizzy from a brain freeze. as he watched his friends tease mingi, he laughed along with them, enjoying their presence.

he hadn’t seen yeosang or mingi since the previous summer, since they went to a different university, and although he was roommates with hongjoong, he noticed the older boy looked happier with his boyfriend by his side. it was moments like these that made the school year all the more worth it, knowing he had times like these to look forward to.

he'd always thought of these boys as his family. his home life had never been the greatest, often spending more nights at yeosang's house than his own in middle and high school. both his friend and his friend's parents had embraced him with open arms though, giving him someone to lean on when things got tough. he was beyond happy to see them all together like this.

although he was in the company of his friends, the whole night he’d only been able to keep his eyes on one person.

their waiter was easily the most beautiful boy wooyoung had ever seen. dressed in a work uniform (a black long sleeve button down tucked into black trousers that beautifully displayed his figure), his hair was nicely styled with a side part, the other side of his hair slicked back, displaying an eyebrow slit that made him _that_ much more attractive.

every glance, every quick exchange, only made wooyoung more curious. of all the times they’d been to this diner, he’d never seen the boy before. how badly he wanted to say something, _anything_ to him.

but he wasn’t one to initiate things.

if only he’d seen the look of longing on the waiter’s face as he exited the diner.


	2. be honest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> be subtle, but not so subtle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the first five or so chapters may be on the shorter side and a bit dialogue heavy bcs the plot doesn't develop until after wooyoung and san start seeing eachother,, my apologies ! please leave any feedback you may have ! :D
> 
> song: be honest by jorja smith ft. burna boy

wooyoung made himself a regular at that diner within a week, and yeosang was the first to catch on to his crush.

that particular afternoon, he and his friend were seated in a booth by the kitchen, which wooyoung had requested in hopes of seeing the waiter ( _san,_ he’d read his nametag the last visit).

after finishing his meal, disappointed in realizing san wasn’t working today, he and yeosang headed to the beach. yeosang enjoyed surfing in the afternoons, and although wooyoung wasn’t on the water much, he found it calming.

they’d only been at the beach for a few minutes, wooyoung setting his chair up by a strangers belongings. as yeosang made his way into the water, wooyoung pulled out his book, letting the summer sun warm his fair skin. he watched as yeosang attempted to catch a wave that died out almost immediately, wiping him out in the process.

however, there had been someone else who’d caught that wave, as there were many other surfers on the water today.

he couldn’t quite see the person, aside from the wet black hair stuck to their forehead. he was easily the best surfer a the beach. as wooyoung watched him, he noticed how easily the boy navigated the waves, moving as if he was controlling the water himself. he smiled as he noticed yeosang heading his direction, dragging his board along, his long blonde hair tied back and out of his face. he shook his head as he approached wooyoung, chuckling

“he’s making me look bad, i don’t know if i can go back out,” yeosang laughed, turning to watch the surfer, who wooyoung still had eyes on.

“you just forgot sunscreen dummy, you’ve been looking forward to these waves all school year,” wooyoung smiles, handing him the spray.

occupying himself with his phone, wooyoung lost track of time, no longer paying attention to his surroundings. he’d only heard footsteps approaching him, not bothering to look up, assuming it was yeosang once again.

“whats the excuse this time?” wooyoung chuckled, not looking up from his phone.

“huh?”

that wasn’t yeosang’s voice. wooyoung’s head shot up, and he found himself face to face with the black haired surfer. looking down immediately, he apologized.

“oh my god sorry, i’m sorry i thought you were my friend, oh my gosh-“

the boy smiled, shrugging.

“it’s okay!”

“this is so embarrassing,” wooyoung muttered, covering his face with his hands. he could’ve kissed yeosang for appearing only a second later, saving him from the awkward silence.

“you ready to go?”

yeosang nodded.

“high tide is pretty much over,” he shrugged, running his fingers through his hair.

the black haired boy had only been sitting a few meters behind them. wooyoung realized they’d chosen to sit right where the stranger had left his belongings, only making the situation more uncomfortable for wooyoung.

“ _yeosang,”_ he whispered, looking down at his phone, trying his best to act natural. yeosang ruffled his hair with a towel, bending down to respond.

“yeah, what is it?”

wooyoung looked up briefly, before gesturing over his shoulder.

“ _is he still there?”_

“is who still there?”

“ _the surfer!”_

“uh, yeah i think so,” yeosang looks up and meets the boy’s eyes. the black haired boy smiles, and yeosang frowns momentarily, recognizing those dimples.

“wait, it’s the guy from the diner! no way!”

“what?”

“hey wooyoung, i think he can hear you,” yeosang chuckled in seeing that it most definitely _was_ the boy from the diner, and that he’d overheard the entire conversation.

“god just kill me now. it’s my time to _go,”_ wooyoung wailed, dropping his phone on the beach towel.

“you’re so dramatic woo. hey, san right? you’re wicked on the waves bro, i just thought i’d let you know,” yeosang nodded at him, and he smiled, his dimples appearing once again.

“thank you! you’re not too bad yourself,” he grinned.

“and tell your friend he’s not too bad looking,” san smirks before picking up his board and heading back towards the boardwalk. yeosang turned to wooyoung, who’s ears were beet red.

“i’m assuming you heard that.”

“my brain is melting, i think it’s time to go,” wooyoung sighed, hastily shoving his phone into his pocket and rolling up his towel. the one time he’d gotten to interact with san outside of practically _stalking him_ at his job, he makes a complete fool of himself.

if only he’d paid attention the look of pure admiration san had given him during the exchange.


	3. waltz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone! i may be inconsistent with updating this story, mainly because i am not completely done writing it! 
> 
> i would like to mention that most chapters are named after a song, and i may put together a playlist to have all of them together at the end of this fic :D
> 
> just a warning, the next few chapters are a bit shorter, but once san gets involved more it gets more detailed, and a lot darker so please be prepared for that. i'll do my best to add tws before each chapter !
> 
> song: waltz by june ft. gaho

it ended up being another week and a half before wooyoung talked to san again.

he’d gone to the diner alone for breakfast, not expecting anything out of his visit this time around, but rather looking for a spot to enjoy the sunrise. luckily, the diner had beachside seating, and that was where he found himself one particular morning, sipping a coffee and admiring the view.

he’d only ordered a bagel, the food coming out of the kitchen almost immediately. about halfway through his meal, the sun hanging just slightly above the shore, he was joined by someone. looking up from his phone, he watched as san pulled out the chair across from him and invited himself to sit down.

“oh-“ wooyoung sputtered, nearly choking on his bagel.

san giggled, his dimples showing. wooyoung could feel his ears heat up as he took a large sip of water.

“hi!”

the dimpled boy smiled. his face was met with the golden light of the sunrise, showcasing his warm brown eyes, glinting with a hint of mischief. his dimples made wooyoung want to disappear, to be simply put. the urge to press a kiss to each one clouded his thoughts as san began to speak to him.

“-know what i’m doing but i thought i’d give it a shot maybe? if you’re okay with that, of course.”

the taller boy wrung his hands together nervously, waiting for a response. wooyoung swallowed the last bite of his bagel, freezing.

“i am so sorry oh god, i completely zoned out,” he replied sheepishly, wiping bagel crumbs from his face.

“ok um, i was just asking if maybe, you’d like to go out sometime? i really wasn’t gonna say anything but uh, your friend mentioned you might like me, and you know, my halmoni is always telling me to be more adventurous and meet new people and, god i’m rambling sorry-“

wooyoung smiled at the boy, a warmth in his gaze that san was too worried to noticed.

“you’re really pretty,” wooyoung grins at him.

san smiles, his cheeks and ears becoming red.

“i- thank you,” he giggles quietly.

“a thousand times yes san, i’ll go out with you,” wooyoung nods, still infatuated by his dimples.

“oh, i’m wooyoung by the way, but knowing yeosang he probably already mentioned it,” wooyoung smiles, rolling his eyes.

san chucked, nodding. the two boys fell into easy conversation, the sun still making its way to meet the clouds. as the water gently lapped against the shore, wooyoung sighed, still listening to san. he hadn’t felt this at peace in a while. after agreeing to meet the older boy back at the diner around 6, wooyoung headed back to the beach house, a smile never leaving his face.

immediately throwing open yeosang’s door, his friend’s ears became red as he quickly closed a tab he had open on his laptop.

“if you’re watching that stupid movie again i couldn’t care less,” wooyoung rolled his eyes in seeing yeosang’s cheeks turn red. he’d planned an entire interrogation, asking his friend when he’d gone to the diner alone and talked to san about his (potential) massive crush on the boy.

"when the hell did you talk to san?"

yeosang shrugged. 

"sometime last week. figured i might as well wingman for you, you were starting to look like a stalker and i didn't want him to call the police on your sorry ass."

wooyoung lightly punched his best friend in the shoulder. 

all yeosang did was smirk.

“anyways, looks like my job here is done. go get em tiger!”

although wooyoung had been embarrassed by the situation, he supposed it eventually worked out in his favor. _the universe is on my side_ , he thought to himself.

the universe gives to all. but it also takes away.


	4. highlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wooyoung begins to learn about san's little habits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: highlight by seventeen

“blue or silver?”

“does it really matter hyung, i’m leaving in 15 minutes!”

hongjoong sighed, brushing the slightest amount of silver glitter onto wooyoung’s cheeks. he hadn’t gone too crazy with his makeup, wanting to keep his outfit simple.

he’d chosen his blue jeans, ripped at the thighs, and his long sleeved stripped shirt, layering it with a band shirt he’d stolen from his dad. hongjoong had offered to do his makeup, wooyoung doing his best to convince him not to go overboard. he’d also offered to drop him off at the diner, wooyoung immediately declining the offer.

although it was awkward to admit, this was his first date since junior year of highschool. dating had never been anything he really found interest in. or rather dating _girls_ had never been something he found interest in. but the queer community at his school was small, and left him with few options. he figured he was better off waiting until he was mature enough to make good decisions, rather than let his nether regions decide for him.

san was also easily the prettiest person wooyoung had ever met. no one had ever caught his eye the way san had. he hoped there would be some kind of spirit that would be on his side, that fate would find a way to bring them together. apparently, fate’s alter ego took the form of a college student by the name of kang yeosang, but wooyoung didn’t mind. he was getting what he wanted. and unlike most things in his life, he hoped more than anything this would be the one thing he held onto. the one constant. something as reliable as the sunrise and sunsets.

...

as soon as he’d arrived at the diner, san had been ready to go. dressed in an oversized sweatshirt and black jeans, wooyoung couldn’t help but ogle at the boy, his mind traveling once again to the dimples.

san had only ever looked at wooyoung with a soft gaze, taking in every word, every expression. he learned that wooyoung talked with his hands, and got excited easily. he’d blush if he was complimented, and he had a habit of drumming his fingers against his leg when someone spoke. and wooyoung learned about san. he learned that he had an adorable habit of tugging at his left ear when someone spoke ( _my hearing isn’t the best_ , san explained.) he learned that san liked japanese rock bands, and that he’d been surfing since he was about 7. and his favorite place was the ocean.

the way he talked about the ocean captivated wooyoung. he clearly had a passion for surfing. for just being on the water. he’d told wooyoung that he feels the spirit of nature calm him as he enters the water.

“water has no limits. no beginning or end. it flows freely among us, no responsibilities, no worries. it does have memory though. and i consider the ocean my friend. it remembers me, and takes care of me. i love it.”

san smiled as he sipped his lemonade, admiring the sunset as the two boys strolled along the boardwalk. wooyoung offered to drop san off at his house, which san couldn’t say no to because they were within walking distance, and wooyoung had already contacted hongjoong to pick him up.

"so... what do your parents do?" wooyoung gave san a small smile doing his best to continue the conversation.

"uh..." san rubbed his neck and chuckled. 

"i actually live with my halmeoni, my parents passed away when i was 12. my dad was an astronomer, and my mom a kindergarten teacher. my mom is the one who taught me how to surf, and i haven't stopped since."

"oh san i'm so sorry," wooyoung feels his ears heat up, embarrassed he asked.

"no no, its okay you didn't know! really it's fine. i don't mind talking about them really. they were amazing people. i get my love of nature from my dad too, so i would've blabbed eventually. i'm talking to much geez i'm sorry," san feels his cheeks heating up. he hopes wooyoung doesn't think he's too awkward.

"i could literally listen to you talk forever san." wooyoung smiles.

san smirks and raises an eyebrow, a surge of confidence taking over. 

"could you now?"

wooyoung can feel all reason go out the window as san looks at him. he knows _exactly_ what he's doing. wooyoung only hopes its dark enough that san can't see his beet red cheeks. san giggles. wooyoung decides it's not dark enough.

"you're bushing, it's cute," he sighs, shaking his bangs out as they walk up his driveway.

"i... uh.. no comment." wooyoung hits his leg with his fist, silently cursing himself. _no comment? was that the best you could do?_

as they reached his front door, san ran his fingers through his hair.

“tonight was nice wooyoung. really nice. i hope we can do it again soon.”

wooyoung nodded, offering to pick him up friday. san agreed immediately, placing a quick kiss on his cheek before entering the house.

“산이?” _“sannie?”_

“왔어요 할머니!” “ _i’m here grandma!”_

wooyoungs heart soared as he gently pressed a hand to his cheek. he felt as if he was floating as he made his way back down the driveway, meeting hongjoong only a block away.

hongjoong said nothing as wooyoung entered the car, only smirking at the ridiculous look on his friend’s face.

“he kissed me. wait no, he didn’t kiss me, he kissed m-my cheek, he kissed my cheek,” wooyoung sputtered, his face going red.

“i knew silver glitter was the way to go,” hongjoong chuckled, cruising along the backroads.

_silver glitter my ass,_ wooyoung thought, his hand still pressed to his cheek. just remembering the boy’s face made his heart flutter. god he was so in love.

love.

at first it’s wonderful, the best feeling in the world. everything just feels _right,_ nothing can possibly go wrong when you’re in love. and then, that feeling starts to wear away. pure infatuation fades into dull acquaintanceship. and you become familiar with each other. with some, maybe _too_ familiar.

with others, not familiar enough.

love could be a very dangerous thing.


	5. mikrokosmos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> san takes a risk and more comes out of it than he expects

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: mikrokosmos by bts
> 
> i'm not completely sure if i'll have an update schedule for this story, but its pretty much all finished! there will be around 20ish chapters, maybe a few more if i add an epilogue. please leave comments and let me know what you think so far, i love interacting with everyone on here!

the week had flown by, the beach occupying most of wooyoung’s time. he often went with yeosang, bringing a book with him to hide the fact that his attention was anywhere but. san surfed almost everyday, and wooyoung almost always came to watch him. it was a silent agreement they’d made with eachother, one wooyoung rather enjoyed.

finding himself rummaging through his closet that evening, wooyoung had chosen something a bit simpler for this evening in particular. a baby blue sweatshirt and black ripped jeans were selected in no time, hongjoong once again offering to do his makeup.he’d settled for a simple red eyeshadow, (yes it was glittery, it was the only kind hongjoong owned), nothing too extravagant. he wasn’t necessarily dressed to impress this time around, knowing he’d need to dress appropriately for the evening breeze that carried from the water.

just as san had told him, he’d arrived at the older boy’s house at exactly 6:59pm, and knocked at exactly 7:00. he was greeted by san’s grandmother, who invited him in with a warm smile.

“san will be down shortly, have a seat anywhere you’d like!” she smiled, offering him a bottle of water.

only a minute later san emerged at the top of the stairs, clumsily making his way down as he tried to slip on his jean jacket. he was dressed in a yellow sweatshirt and black jeans, his white vans and jacket completing the look.as soon as he met wooyoung’s eyes he smiled, slowing himself down.

“wow.”

wooyoung’s smile faltered, unsure of how to respond.

“i didn’t mean that in a bad way omg i’m sorry, you just, your makeup. you look amazing wooyoung.”

his cheeks heated up, and he had the urge to hide his face behind his hands.san smiled at his bashfulness.

“you ready?”

wooyoung nodded, following san out the door.but instead of heading down the driveway, san lead him around to the back of the house, where they stopped at a ladder propped up against the house.

“are you afraid of heights?”

wooyoung shook his head, starting on his way up the ladder. it lead to the roof of san’s house. he pulled himself over the ledge, taking in the scene. there on the roof, was a blanket laid out with an arrangement of snacks, a few soda cans, and a telescope.

“do you like it? i was thinking instead of going somewhere we could, yknow, sit and talk maybe? but we don’t have to if you don’t want to!”

woooyung grinned at the boy.

“san it’s perfect.”

san smiled back at him, gesturing for him to sit down.not a single second did wooyoung spend feeling the least bit awkward. everything was at it was supposed to be. the conversation flowed without anything feeling forced, the night breeze gently caressing his skin.

snacking on cookies and spending his night on a rooftop stargaze with his crush was certainly one way to spend a friday, wooyoung though to himself. san had been nothing but amazing so far. a beautiful smile with immense adoration for his loved ones, a gentle soul who was in tune with nature. it was as if the world spoke to san in its own language.

somehow, he’d learned it, the language of nature. wooyoung knew it was the reason he was so drawn to the boy.

san invited wooyoung to lie down on the blanket once they’d finished their snacks, the stars visible without the telescope that night. he pointed out all the constellations he knew, telling the stories his father once told him under the same sky, remembering how he would sit upon his mother’s knee, tightly wrapped in her arms as his father unveiled to him the mysteries of the world.

“my father, may his soul be at peace among the stars, used to tell me something. you are made from dust, and into dust shall you return. crazy right? to think a pile of bones and skin could be made of dust. but then my mother told me it wasn’t just any dust. she said we’re all made of stardust. and for some reason when she told me that, it all just... clicked for me. i’m sorry i’m rambling, oh god,” san trailed off in realizing wooyoung hadn’t responded.

“no no no it’s okay! it’s fun to listen to you talk, you sound like you really like astronomy,” wooyoung reassured him, still looking up at the stars. he’d begun to recognize some of the constellations san pointed out earlier.

“my father was an astronomer. i’ve always liked the idea of an endless universe, endless possibilities. i guess that’s why i’m so in tune with nature, i believe everything belongs to an endless cycle, and we all need each other at some point right?”

wooyoung smiles, sucking in a breath as he reaches between them to find san’s hand. san immediately laces his fingers through wooyoung’s, letting wooyoung let go of the breath he was holding and relax his muscles. san smiles at the sky, letting wooyoung’s hands warm his own. wooyoung can feel san’s hands are ice cold, despite it only being a bit breezy that evening. he didn’t think much of it, instead using his hand to warm san’s own.

“i’ve never really felt comfortable around someone like this before,” san sighs, his dimples appearing once again. wooyoung looks over to him, the temptation to strong. leaning forward, he placed a quick peck to his right dimple, smiling as he pulls away. san’s lets out a small gasp, his cheeks turning red.

“thought i’d return the favor,” wooyoung smiled, giving san’s hand a reassuring squeeze.san sucks in a breath, trying to slow down his heartbeat. he hadn’t been sure what to expect of this night, but it was more than he’d ever imagined.

“wooyoung, i like you. i like you a lot... and i think this might be going somewhere? i don’t know. maybe? um, anyways, i really like being around you, and i’m not sure if you feel the same way about me but i don’t wanna rush anything, yknow? i want this if you want it too, and it doesn’t have to be anything fast, we can take our time, that is, if you want that. if not, that’s totally fine too.”

san squeezed his eyes shut, holding his breath. that hadn’t been the way he’d practiced in the mirror earlier. and not only that, it was only their second date.he’d known wooyoung had been eyeing him for some time, but to confess such feelings on the second date? it was risky. but san didn’t have one thing most people did.

he didn’t have the luxury of time. he never had, and he never would. but wooyoung didn’t know that. so he could only hope for the best with things like this.

wooyoung smiled as he listened to san, his heart swelling with joy. he knew it was rather early for san to confess such a thing, but he wanted nothing more than to call san his, to hold his hand the way he held it now, to press kisses to his dimples whenever he felt the need to do so. he wanted it all.

one thing that san had learned in his few years was that when the universe wanted two people together, it conspired every possibly way to lead them to each other.

"i want that more than anything," wooyoung smiled.

this just happened to be the night the stars aligned in their favor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is probably one of the happiest chapters in the story, and i personally am super happy for them. i'll introduce more of the rest of the ateez members soon, and i hope you all like their characters as i've written them!
> 
> i won't reveal too much but hongjoong is my favorite character in the story i think. his development makes me happy so i'm hoping you all enjoy him. each member (except two, who will get their own story) will have some kind of development by the end of the story. i'll try to do things from every members perspective towards the end so you can really get an idea of what their role is in the friend group ! anyways im ranting now lol enjoy !


	6. moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wooyoung learns more about san. maybe more than he wants too.
> 
> song: moon by shaun

that date had ended with a hug goodnight, and both boys felt as if they were on the top of the world.there were six dates that followed that one.they kissed on the fifth one.

by the seventh one, they decided to make it official, only two weeks later.the way it had come about was actually laughable. wooyoung sat with san on the patio of his favorite cafe, stirring his coffee.

“so,” he paused, making sure his coffee was properly mixed before taking a sip.

“are we boyfriends now?”

san finished chewing the bite he’d taken of his sandwich. swallowing, he wiped his mouth with a napkin.

“sorry?”

he asked wooyoung to repeat his question. the younger boy had chosen to wear tight blue jeans and a leather jacket, and it was making san’s thoughts hazy.

“i said, are we boyfriends now?”

if san had had anything in his mouth he would’ve spit it out. instead, he choked on air, coughing in response to the question.

“oh my god, here drink some water,” wooyoung shoved a glass of water in san’s hand, which he gladly accepted.after getting his breathing under control, he nodded, his face red.

“sure. yes. absolutely.”

wooyoung laughed, rubbing san’s back.

“jung wooyoung, my boyfriend?”

wooyoung nodded.

“your boyfriend.”

**...**

_two weeks later_

nothing had ever felt more right to wooyoung. their hands belonged in each others, and them in each others arms. it was almost sickening how affectionate they were.

san knew it, but didn’t care. he cherished every moment he shared with wooyoung.

every moment may have been his last. and wooyoung was oblivious to the fact.

he missed the few worried glances san would give to his watch, worried he’d missed his medication.

he missed the constant touching of san’s wrist and neck, making sure his pulse hadn’t slowed down.

of all the nights he’d spend at san’s, he missed the consumption of five pills every morning, and another three during each meal.

he missed the redness of san’s face when he’d exerted his energy too much, wooyoung simply thinking it was heat exhaustion.

but that’s what san had told him. he only knew what he was told, and san couldn’t blame him for that.

all san wanted was a little more time. but things were getting harder to hide. and time was a luxury he had never had.

...

san was caught too soon.

that day was spent lounging, both boys choosing a lazy day over going out with friends, as san said he was tired. in reality, his body was worn out from a week of surfing. his blood sugar had been all over the place, his knees had begun to lock up. two days, a visit to the pharmacist and three more prescriptions later, here he was sitting next to his boyfriend on the couch of his house (his grandmother had gone to the market, claiming they needed some alone time). 

he sighed, stretching his legs out as he folded them under himself, leaning into wooyoung’s lap. wooyoung sighed, running his fingers through sans hair. san relaxed as wooyoung played with his hair, doing his best to quickly glance at his watch every few minutes. it was almost time for his evening meds.

“is everything okay? you seem like you’re a bit anxious,” wooyoung observed, his eyes full of concern.

san nodded, glancing at his watch again. wooyoung raised an eyebrow, but decided not to question him any further.

“i... have to use the bathroom,” san announces as his watch hits 9pm.

wooyoung gives him a soft smile, kissing his cheek before he gets up.

san quickly made his way to the bathroom, already feeling his last dosage wearing off. his head had begun to throb, and his bones ached.

as he reached behind him to close the door, something felt wrong. before he could stop what he was doing, he’d already extended his arm outward without turning around fully, bending his knee at a funny angle. although he could’ve regained his footing, his body was slow to respond, and that was all it took.

a fiery hot pain shot up his leg before he collapsed, immediately shouting out in pain and grabbing his leg.

in what felt like only a second after, wooyoung had made his way to the bathroom, practically flying through the house to get to san.

“are you hurt? do you need an ambulance? oh my god what happened?”

wooyoung spoke faster than san could understand, but was doing his best to evaluate the situation before him.

“okay okay, does it hurt to move? can you move it around?”

san tried to bend his leg outwards and immediately winced, crying out.

“oh no, san baby what happened? how did this happen love?”

“hurts... twisted funny... not broken though...” san managed to let out through gritted teeth.

“okay not broken. that’s good! that’s a start. are there any medications or pain killers you could take for the time being?”

san winced, not because of the pain this time, but because this was the exact situation he’d been avoiding at all costs. it was easier not telling anyone what was happening.

that every day he took a total of 28 pills to keep him alive a day longer.

that some mornings he could barely reach for the medicine cabinet, his joints swollen and arms too sore.

that he was dying. and there was nothing he could do about it.

“wooyoung, before i tell you where... where the meds are i need you to know something,” san winced, doing his best to concentrate on his breathing.

“no let’s get the meds first, you’re still hurting, where are they, in this cabinet?”

wooyoung reaches over san to open the bathroom cabinet, and freezes when he does.

he’s never seen so many prescriptions in one place. every bottle had a different shaped and different colored pill, some of which were larger than others. and each one had the same label.

_choi, san. take once daily._

wooyoung counted 28 bottles.

“28...” wooyoung nearly whispers.

san closes his eyes, taking a deep breath in. count to three, then breathe out. in for three,

out for three.

he imagines the beach, the waves carrying him across the water effortlessly. he times his breathing with the image of the waves lapping at the shore. he imagines the water washes away all his fear, the warm sand helping his body relax.

“there’s 28 bottles in here,” wooyoung says again, pulling san out of his daydream.

“the advil is the bottom right one.”

wooyoung nods, slowly reaching for the bottle.

5 minutes, a piggyback ride, and three advil later, the boys were back on the couch, an ice pack resting on san’s knee. there was a heavy silence between the two.

“san are we not gonna talk about that?”

wooyoung sighs, his voice laced with curiosity but mainly concern.

“i... yeah i guess we should talk about it. i cant hide it anymore,” he shrugs. this was the hard part.

“hide what?”

“wooyoung i... there’s no right way to tell you this and i want you to believe me when i tell you this is the last way i imagined telling you about this,” san said, his voice soft.

wooyoung nodded slowly, his eyes still full of concern.

“i... i know it looks bad. really bad. and i wish i could tell you it isn’t but death is bad to most people and i know it sounds crazy but... but i need those prescriptions to _live_.”

wooyoung shakes his head.

“san i ... don’t get it. why are you talking about death? you’re 21.”

“wooyoung, i’m dying.”

wooyoung only stares at him for a moment before quietly responding, shaking his head.

“no.”

san can’t do anything but cry when wooyoung says this. he wishes it were that easy, that with the snap of a finger everything would be okay. but it wasn’t. and it never had been.

yes he was dying, but wooyoung’s response hurt him more than any physical pain he’d ever felt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think i'll be updating every day or every other day until i've posted all the chapters ! i'm still writing the epilogue, and then i'm going to work on a second story with 3 members as the main characters. i won't say which ones bcs it might spoil things but it'll help give a bit more info about the less developed characters in the story !
> 
> from this chapter on i'd say the themes are consistently darker and more sad so please read with caution. if i forget to add a trigger warning please let me know!
> 
> also i'd really appreciate if you all could leave comments telling me what you think! i really do appreciate the feedback :D


	7. one day at a time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wooyoung is faced with a truth he'd rather not know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: one day at a time by ateez

huntington’s disease.

that’s what he’d called it.

something that was destroying him from the inside out. his own body was trying to get rid of him. and here wooyoung was, just fine. not a single day of suffering in his life, and yet his boyfriend needed nearly 30 pills a day to keep his heart beating.

“but that’s n-not fair san.”

san only hung his head.

“i know. i’m sorry i didn’t tell you sooner. i- it was irresponsible of me to fall in love with you-“

“its not fair it had to be you instead of me,” wooyoung nearly whispers, a blank stare on his face. san shook his head immediately.

“i wouldn’t wish this upon anyone youngie, trust me.”

wooyoung’s vision focused again, but things were still blurry. it cleared up when he blinked, his cheeks wet with tears.

“are you hurting right now san?”

the younger boy gently places his hand on san’s knee, almost as if he was made of glass. san shakes his head slowly.

“i-i’m okay right now woo. promise.”

wooyoung doesn't respond, only blinking. his gaze was still blank, tears rolling down his face. san doesn't know how to respond, knowing nothing he could possibly say would help much. instead, he grabs the younger boys hands in his own, kissing each fingertip, and then his palms.

"do you wanna get some fresh air? we could go to the beach for a bit youngie, only if you want to," san suggests, his voice as gentle as possible. wooyoung didn't know how to respond. san was the one dying, and yet here he was, comforting wooyoung. all he could do was nod. everything was backwards it seemed. nothing made sense right now.

there was an unusual silence between the two as they found their way to the shore, the waves lapping at the sand, as if taunting them.

_i'll be here forever._ the ocean laughed at wooyoung.

_so will i._ the moon laughed from where it was hung in the sky.

_us too!_ the stars joined in.

he'd have all of this for as long as he could want. everything but the one thing he _truly_ wanted. san had since sat down, tracing patterns into the sand. wooyoung only stared out at the water. his tears were gone, but the blank look hadn't left his face. san gently tugged at wooyoung's pant leg, getting him to sit down.

"do you... know how much time you have?"

san only shook his head, taking wooyoung’s hand in his, and tracing patterns into the sand with the other.

"regardless of how much it is, there isn't a moment i'd willingly spend without you wooyoung. you know that right?"

wooyoung nodded weakly, poking the sand.

"look at me woo," san placed his hand on wooyoung’s chin, turning his face towards himself.

there was so much hurt in wooyoung’s eyes, san couldn't do anything but pull him close, the younger boy now in his lap.

"we'll get through this. i can't promise you every day will be okay, but i know we'll make it."

he held wooyoung close, pressing butterfly kisses to his forehead. after a few moments he felt wooyoung’s arm wrap around him, reciprocating his embrace. san smiled, pulling back to kiss wooyoung. the younger immediately reciprocated, a small smile growing on his lips.

when san pulled away, he rested his forehead on wooyoung’s, rubbing his neck.

"just... tell me if the pain is too much. if it's too much i-i wouldn't be able to live knowing i didn't do everything in my power to help you."

"my bad days won't be easy woo."

"i didn't sign up for easy did i? i signed up for _you."_

san pulled the younger into a hug.

_i love you wooyoung. so much._

wooyoung sighed, running his fingers through san's hair.

_i love you too. more than you'll ever know._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the short chapter :( the way everything is written out i'm hoping you all will enjoy the longer chapters when they come ! i'll definitely start introducing more of the other characters soon i promise :D i'm also gonna start the second story soon, it's related to this one and is more of a prequel you could say to learn more about the members who don't really get talked about much in this story. pls leave comments and let me know what you think so far !


	8. bad dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dreams are the only place we can truly escape from

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: slight self harm, mentions of blood (the harm is unintentional but still read with caution!)
> 
> song: bad dream by exo

the rest of the night was seamless almost, wooyoung taking the news surprisingly well. a bit too well.san knew this to be true with everyone who had been in his life. once they found out, they became a grenade. it was only a matter of time before wooyoung blew up. and it came sooner than he'd expected. wooyoung had spent the night, san waking up to an arm around his waist and a warm smile from a half awake brunette.

"morning sannie," wooyoung mumbled, rubbing circles into san’s waist.

"morning woo," san smiled, pressing a kiss to his forehead. wooyoung sighed, his eyes only half open.

"you won't believe it, i had this terrible dream," he began, a small smile on his face. san raised his eyebrows, encouraging him to continue.

"it was so sad san, i found you hurt in the bathroom... you told me you were dying..."

san's heart dropped. he felt his neck get hot and his blood run cold as wooyoung continued to explain the events of last night as his nightmarish experience from his subconscious that evening.

"wooyoung..." san stopped him, concern obvious in his gaze.

"-it's okay because you're here now!" wooyoung finished and gave san a small smile.

" _wooyoung,"_ san's voice got tight. wooyoung's smile disappeared from his face.

"that all happened last night woo."

wooyoung knit his eyebrows together in frustration and shook his head. san sighed, sitting up against the bed. wooyoung sat up with him, his hair still messy from just waking up.

"wooyoung everything you just told me... it happened last night," san sighed, taking wooyoung's hand in his.

he could see wooyoung's face become pale, his hands became cold. but it wasn't the reaction he expected.

not a single tear left wooyoung's face. it was as if he'd completely shut down. not a word was said in response, but instead he stared blankly at the wall as if it were the most interesting thing he'd ever seen. san hadn't even noticed wooyoung digging his nails into his own thigh so hard that he'd broken the skin, blood slowly seeping into his fingernails.

" _wooyoung,"_ san gasped, yanking his boyfriends hand away from his leg. wooyoung's gaze dropped to his leg, still no reaction evident on his face.

getting out of bed, san pulled wooyoung with him down the hallway, sitting him on the toilet. running the sink, he rinsed the blood off of wooyoung's fingertips. after reaching into the cabinet to grab a few bandaids, he cleaned up wooyoung's leg, carefully placing the bandaids on afterwards. wooyoung hadn't looked away from the door or said a word the whole time.

"wooyoung please... say something."

san had never seen such heartbreak in a single gaze. as wooyoung looked up at san, his view became blurry. his eyes stung, and he blinked, hoping his tears would warm his cheeks.

" _please... tell me it wasn't a dream,"_ wooyoung whispered, almost inaudible.

all san could do was hold wooyoung's face in his hands as he fell to his knees, a broken sob all he could let out.

his hands fell from wooyoung's cheeks, grasping onto his boyfriends shirt for dear life. in seeing san break down, it was all wooyoung could do not to lash out at the world. he was angry. but it would only hurt san more if he lost his temper; he'd just become another burden.

so he cried. he cried with san until his eyes were burning, his shirt soaked with san's tears. he cried until his throat was raw from his strangled sobs, his chest burning from lack of oxygen. and still, this was only a fraction of the pain san had to live with. he wanted to hurt himself, to feel what san felt. but he didn't. because anything he could possibly think of doing would hurt san too.

instead, he held san's head in his lap as they cried. he stroked san's hair as he too cried until his throat burned and his chest ached, his eyes swollen and red.

at some point, wooyoung's body had simply stopped producing tears. too tired to continue, or even be angry, wooyoung lifted san up, wiping the tears off his face. without a word, he pulled the older boy into a hug. san's neck rested on his shoulder, wooyoung pressed a small kiss to his boyfriends neck, rubbing soothing circles into the nape of his neck.

"i... i'm not going anywhere san. we'll get through this together."

san wanted so badly to believe him. but he knew that soon all he would be is a deteriorating pile of skin and bones six feet under, while wooyoung was elsewhere, living without him. but he nodded regardless, wanting to be strong for wooyoung. if strong was sobbing into his shirt so hard it had become soaked to the touch, his fingers wrapped around the hem for dear life.

being strong meant admitting to the person you trusted more than anyone in the world that you felt as if the walls were closing in on you, the ground just about ready to crumble from right underneath your feet.

but everything would be fine. they had to believe that. it was the only thing that would keep them going.

but how long could they pretend that before it broke them?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'll really do my best to add in a mix of angst and fluff, although the story is mostly sad from here on out. i'm sorry for not posting yesterday! i'll post an extra chapter to make up for it :D


	9. natural

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> san has come to accept what wooyoung will not

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: natural by woody

as the days passed, san became a bit slower in movement, not quite being able to finish a game of basketball or play flag football on the beach. instead of leaving him out, his friends would slow down for him, letting him tackle them, and wooyoung sometimes putting the older boy on his shoulders to slam the ball through the hoop during friendly games of 2 on 2. although he wasn’t the most patient person, and slowing down games was a bit of a task, he wouldn’t trade the smile on san’s face for the world.

the one where his eyes wrinkled and his dimples showed, his grin ear to ear. wooyoung would kill to see that smile all the time. that particular day they'd joined their friends for an outing at the beach, opting for a game of beach volleyball. after just a couple hours both wooyoung and san were on their way home, leaving the others behind. san usually left a bit earlier than the others, because of his decreasing endurance, and wherever san was, wooyoung wasn’t far behind.

san had intertwined their hands sometime while they were walking, wooyoung couldn’t exactly remember when, as it was like this more often than not. the older boy inhaled deeply, letting the salty ocean air fill his lungs.

“wooyoung?”

“mhm?” the younger boy turned his head to face san, slowing down the pace of their walk just a bit. this was one of the many things san loved about him. the way he gave his undivided attention to san, no matter what he asked of him.

“can you bury me here? i want to be with the sea when i’m gone.”

ask he spoke he could feel wooyoung’s body tense. he’d broken the unspoken rule. although the rule was more for wooyoung than it was for san. san had come to accept his fate. wooyoung had not. he _would_ not.

“san can we not-“

“wooyoung i can’t not talk about it.” san sighed, letting go of his hand. he ran his fingers through his hair as he stopped walking. they were still on the boardwalk, and hadn’t quite made it to their neighborhood yet. he shoved his hands in his sweatshirt pocket as he walked over to a bench, sitting down to face the ocean.

“san please-“

san hung his head, his hair falling over his eyes.

“wooyoung i’m going to die. i’m asking you, the person i trust most, if you will fulfill my dying wish. please don’t make this harder than it needs to be.”

all wooyoung could do was shake his head, his feet stuck to the boardwalk.

“no. no you’re not going to die. you can’t die. you’re 20 years old. you’re not. going. to die.”

_“wooyoung.”_

san stood from the bench, his voice sharp with anger. wooyoung could hear his voice waiver slightly, his face pulled into a tight frown.

“i’m going to _die. you’re_ going to die. just not as soon as me. i can’t continue living my life like a dying person and pretend i’m not dying. it’s cruel. not to me, but to _you_. and you telling _me_ i won’t die hurts. because i don’t want to... to leave you. but when you tell me i won’t die it gives me a false hope i don’t deserve. so please for the love of god, _stop_ telling me that.”

wooyoung hadn’t moved from his spot, his head hung. as much as it hurt, san was right. he couldn't keep pretending everything would be okay in the end. because there _would be_ an end. and it was sooner than either of them wanted, but he'd rather spend that time making san the happiest he's ever been, than sulk about what little time they had left.

"san... i'm sorry."

sansighed, trying to calm himself down. he sat back down next to wooyoung on the bench, the younger boy hanging his head. he turned to him, taking wooyoung’s hand between his own.

"i know you want the best for me woo. sometimes things just... suck. they suck and there's nothing we can do but make the best of what we have left."


	10. on & on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the inevitable is called the inevitable for a reason. but the reality of it still hurts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: on & on by jjproject

everything continued as it should. which felt wrong. it had to be. wooyoung had just found out the love of his life was dying for fucks sake, but life carried on as normal.

in the mornings he'd wake san up with kisses, on his forehead, his cheeks, his eyelids, until the older boy whined with protest and wooyoung finally placed a kiss on his lips. he'd then go to the bathroom, recounting the pills he'd laid out the night before for san, and take them with him to the kitchen. he'd come up with a way to blend the pills into a protein shake, so that san didn't have to skip breakfast because his pills wouldn't go down properly. after san drank his smoothie he'd give him a massage, making sure none of his muscles were sore, or his joints swollen.

these were all the good days of course.

then there were the bad ones.

the ones where in the middle of the night san would struggle to breathe, his head exploding with pain, his chest on fire.

on the first of those nights, he refused to bother wooyoung, instead climbing out of bed to set up his oxygen machine himself. he'd only taken a step or two when his legs slid out from under him like jello, san catching himself on the edge of the bed before he hurt himself. at that point all he could do was sit himself on the ground and hope everything would be okay.

wooyoung luckily had heard the commotion and had woken up before things got even worse. he'd already rushed to the bathroom by the time san was sitting up against the bed, wooyoung returning immediately and placing the oxygen mask over san's face.

he promised himself he wouldn't get mad anymore when san refused to ask for help. he was holding on to whatever dignity and independence he had left, and though it hurt wooyoung to see, he could do nothing but offer san comfort when these things happened.

so he sat with san.

he sat with san, and though they weren't able to talk over the hum of the oxygen machine, wooyoung gently carded his fingers through san's hair, and san simply leaned into him, the look on his face one of defeat. wooyoung would try his best to hide the few tears that left his eyes then. he had to be the strong one.

except he felt san was doing a better job of it than he was.

and he was the one dying.

…

as the days went on, wooyoung did his best to make the house more accessible for san to navigate. he was slowly losing some of his fine motor functions, and his joints hd become irritated more often than not. wooyoung spent some afternoons adding railings to the hallways between the living room, bathroom, and san’s bedroom. that afternoon, he’d just finished up the last of the railings that afternoon,

“hey baby come look at this!” wooyoung grinned, holding an old photo album he’d kept from high school.

“san?”

wooyoung frowned. he knew san was home, but there was no response. he probably had his headphones on. leaving the photo album on the bed, he went to the living room, where he found san sitting on his phone. in silence.

“babe you didn’t hear me calling you?”

san looked up from his phone with a jolt after feeling wooyoung’s hand on his shoulder.

“wooyoung, were you calling me from the bedroom?”

wooyoung held a concerned look on his face, nodding.

“woo, i-“ san gave a shaky breath.

“i couldn’t hear you.” he swallowed, his mouth dry.

...

later that evening san found himself frustrated in the middle of the kitchen, so he decided to cook a meal for his boyfriend. although he found the house to be unusually quiet, as he knew his boyfriend had woken up from his nap at least half an hour ago.

he froze, listening for any signs wooyoung might be home.

“woo?” san asked tentatively to no one in particular.

“wooyoung?” his voice got a little louder. his breathing became heavier as he began to search the house, checking the living room then bedroom for his boyfriend.

“wooyoung? _wooyoung?_ ”

the bathroom door opened and wooyoung emerged from the room, immediately running to hug san.

“baby what is it? what’s wrong?”

san’s body immediately gave once he felt wooyoung’s arms around him.

“i thought you were gone. i couldn’t- i couldn’t hear you,” san nearly whispered, choking on a sob. and then another. and another. and they didn’t stop. he simply cried as wooyoung held him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is just a more realistic look at what san is going thorough and his struggles with a terminal illness. wooyoung handles it worse than san, and it may be to his detriment eventually...


	11. flower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> san is more than happy to have the friends he has, and even more happy to have wooyoung by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: flower by seventeen

wooyoung couldn't pretend san wasn't sick. at least not when san was around. they talked about it, only when they needed to. but he didn't avoid the topic anymore. around their friends, everyone would avoid the word like the plague. the "s" word just wasn't allowed in their group setting. and both wooyoung and san had no problem with it. 

on the days they'd all spend together, san and wooyoung would meet the rest of the boys down by the basketball courts for pick up games. though the court was only a 10 minute walk, wooyoung always drove them in case the walk back to san's house was too much for him. 

that day, mingi and yeosang decided to play seonghwa and wooyoung in a rather violent two on two match. more often than not it ended in limbs flying, balls thrown (particularly at heads rather than baskets), and laughing spectators (usually san and hongjoong). on this particular day, san was in a very good mood. that morning he'd gotten through his meds no problem, even going on to cook eggs for him and wooyoung. wooyoung had thanked him with a kiss, san grinning from ear to ear when he saw how happy he'd made his boyfriend. 

sitting on the edge of the court, hongjoong and san died of laughter, watching a red faced mingi argue with wooyoung about how body checking wasn't allowed. wooyoung was waving his hand furiously, yelling at mingi about how his "freakishly long legs" got in the way of his layup. 

"hyung-" san breathed out, gasping for breath in between laughter. 

"it's moments like this where i wish i could join them," san chuckles, smiling at the scene unfolding in front of him. 

hongjoong had a grin on his face, watching the younger boy wipe tears from his eyes. with a mischievous glint in his eyes, the red head got up and began to walk over to mingi. san watched as hongjoong whispered something to the taller, and mingi grinned and nodded in response. before san knew it, the taller was headed in his direction at a sprint. a look of shock was on his face as mingi scooped san off the ground and threw him over his shoulder, situating the older boy atop his shoulders. running back towards the blacktop with san on his shoulders, mingi smiled, shouting to wooyoung. 

"wooyoung, san's open!"

yeosang defended wooyoung, half heartedly waving his hands in his face, giving him an opportunity to pass the ball to san. 

wooyoung sidestepped yeosang with ease, lobbing the ball to san, still tall on mingi's shoulders. 

"san it's a fast break! the basket is open!" mingi half shouted to san atop his shoulders. san had the biggest smile on his face, wrapping the ball tightly in his arms as mingi took off at a light jog to the basket. 

"san shoot! i'll keep yeosang away!" wooyoung laughed, waving his hands in yeosang's face, distracting him from the basket. 

with ease, san toss the ball into the rim and it swished gently through the net before hitting the pavement. 

"san we won! we did it!" mingi cheered, running in circles. 

"mingi slow down!" san giggled, holding onto mingi for dear life. but he wouldn't trade that moment for the world. 

...

hours later, both wooyoung and san had showered and were cuddled on the couch. 

san had grown tired quickly at the court, the heat becoming too much for him. they'd said their goodbyes and driven back to his place, both showering and immediately curling up on the couch. wooyoung had his back to san’s, curled up into the older's arms. san held him close, one arm around his waist and the other massaging his scalp, which he leaned down to press kisses to every so often. he’d let the younger decide what to watch, and he’d chosen a popular drama that was on air. san hadn’t gotten around to starting it, but the older wasn’t really paying attention, his mind wandering. 

he watched as the male lead laced his fingers through that of his lovers, pulling her along down a pathway lined with cherry blossoms. san gave a halfhearted smile at the cheesiness of it all. but as he ran his fingers through wooyoung’s scalp, deep down he realized he craved those moments. he wanted his coming of age drama. he wanted to travel the world with wooyoung, to go on bike rides and picnics with him, to take him to his favorite restaurants and visit galleries with him. 

“sometimes i wish we lived in a drama,” san sighed.

wooyoung looked up at him and giggled. 

“i’ll be the girl with the poor family and you can be the tsundere chaebol. tell your mom if she wants me gone my prices are competitive,” wooyoung erupts into laughter at his own joke, his face turning red. 

san had no choice but to join him, both of the boys with tears in their eyes after laughing so hard. 

“that's- that's not what i meant,” san giggled, trying to catch his breath.

“i mean i want to have the experiences they do. i’ve lived here my whole life, traveling hasn’t ever been something i’ve done often. it would be nice to go somewhere some time.”

"then we'll go somewhere. just the two of us."

san furrowed his eyebrows. 

"but you're already on vacation! we wouldn't have time to."

wooyoung smiled, taking san's hand in his and giving it a gentle squeeze. the older feels his body relax, not realizing he had tensed up. 

"we'll go next weekend. just you and i. we can visit the city. would you like that?"

sans mouth fell open, shocked at the proposition. 

"you- you would do that for me?"

wooyoung giggled, reaching up to place a kiss on his cheek. 

"i'd do absolutely anything for you choi san."

the older could feel his cheeks grow red as the younger pulled him into a kiss, not giving him time to think. he smiled against wooyoung's lips, his fingers finding their way to wooyoung's nape. 

wooyoung's hand found purchase on san's waist, pulling the older impossibly closer. 

san smiled, pulling away from the kiss to press his forehead against wooyoung's.

"i love you."

"i love you," wooyoung replied without hesitation, a huge smile on his face. 

it was the first time they'd said it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really like the dynamics of the friend group :( they're all so sweet and helpful with san omg. pls leave comments telling me what u all think !


	12. trouble in town

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sometimes people make promises they can't keep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: trouble in town by coldplay

the day of their trip had arrived in the blink of an eye. the evening before was spent packing, followed by a visit from their friend group.

the boys had decided to get together for a movie night, san offering to host them all. he really enjoyed his newfound group of friends. before this, he hadn't really had a group of people to spend time with during his previous summers.

he had been too scared to find a friend group. he knew his reputation at his school had been the popular loner. it was no secret that he was among the better looking students in his class, but he had only two friends.

it remained a mystery and a popular topic of conversation amongst his peers. he was aware people questioned his perfect grades despite constant absences, and his being single despite his above average looks and kind personality.

these five boys had changed that. without his permission, they'd ruined the promise he'd made to himself. he'd refused to create new relationships with people for fear of what would happen next. he was a grenade. and he wanted to minimize the casualties when he did in fact blow up.

as they sat around the tv, after taking 20 minutes to vote on a movie, san felt the most at peace he'd felt in a while. he smiled to himself watching hongjoong and seonghwa bicker, all while seonghwa was cuddled up to hongjoong, the younger carding his fingers through his hair.

yeosang had his head in mingi's lap and was reaching for mingi's leg before the younger smacked his hand away. they'd been going back and forth trying to pinch each other since the movie started.san could only smile bigger at the scene in front of him. and then, of course, there was wooyoung.

the younger had laid his head across san's chest, the older running his fingers across his scalp and pressing kisses to his forehead every so often.

this boy had changed san's life in ways he'd never understand. he was no longer waiting for the worst to happen, but looked forward to the smiles everyday that came with being around wooyoung.there were still bad days of course, but they were better than they used to be. on those days, instead of laying alone, the sound of rain tapping against his window his only music, he spent them with his arms around wooyoung, the younger talking to him about everything and nothing as he sat and waited for the pain to subside.

and in that moment he realized these were his people. they were his people! he'd do anything for these boys in a heartbeat.

san became suddenly overwhelmed with a feeling he couldn't quite describe.

excitement? not really.

happiness? it was something more than that.

a strong sense of security? safeness? maybe it was more than that.

his head was a mess of emotions. the only thing he'd felt to this degree before was pain. this was more like... euphoria.

euphoria was the word.

he was shaken of his thoughts as he continued to watch the movie, his vision becoming blurry for a few seconds before he blinked and rubbed his eyes.

he thought he was okay. he had to be okay, they were visiting the city tomorrow.

he felt his head begin to pound, the lights from the tv suddenly becoming too bright, his eyes becoming sensitive. he was not okay.

not wanting to draw attention to himself, he carefully patted wooyoung's head.

"woo, baby my head, it's-" he winced.

wooyoung immediately understood. he pushed himself off of san's lap to let the older boy leave the room. as he headed to his room, wooyoung wasn't far behind.

he could hear hongjoong hoot and mingi give out a whistle as they made their way up the stairs, his cheeks turning red.

"mind your damn business song mingi!" wooyoung yelled, flipping the taller boy off as he chuckled.

they'd made it to san's room, the older boy sitting down on the edge of his bed. he was panting from the stairs, and his head had begun to pound even more.

"talk to me baby, what's hurting?" wooyoung asked, gently placing his hands on san's shoulders.

"it's- everything- spinning. everything's spinning-" he croaked, gagging.

"shit." with a surge of strength, wooyoung lifted san over his shoulders and rushed him to the bathroom.

he'd only made it just in time for san to throw his head over the toilet, spilling out his insides with a sickening groan.

wooyoung gently rubbed his back, frustrated. that was all he could do.

san had started crying quietly, feeling so defeated.

"wooyoung," his voice nearly a whisper.

"does this mean no new york?"

wooyoung hung his head.

"i'm so sorry baby. you can't travel like this. we have to get you on an iv for at least two days, it's what the doctor said last time we went."

san only began to cry even harder.

"i'll make it up to you love, i promise. it's not your fault this happened," wooyoung said gently, his eyes full of concern as he spoke to san.

san nodded slowly, wiping some of his tears. they could always go another time.or at least that's how he believed healthy people would think.

deep down, san was aware he would never be visiting the city.


	13. faded in my last song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> its the little things that brings san the greatest joy in his life, even during tough times

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song: faded in my last song by nct u
> 
> also! here are the gc names !
> 
> sang the surfer: yeosang
> 
> youngie: wooyoung
> 
> minki: mingi
> 
> mars hyung: seonghwa
> 
> hongjoong's is self explanatory lol

san brushes his teeth as wooyoung packs him an overnight bag. he packs clothes for himself too, and makes sure he has cash for the vending machines at the emergency room.san enters the room to see wooyoung zipping up a stuffed backpack. he sits down on the bed and sighs.

"do you have an id?"

wooyoung nods, double checking his wallet.

the clock on san's bedside read 11:25pm. the hospital was about an hour away. the boys would have to drive out to the nearest inland town center to make it to the emergency room.

wooyoung passes san a coat and a sweatshirt as he slides on his coat himself. he unplugs his phone charger before shouldering the backpack and heading back downstairs with san.the older boy had put on a black baseball cap and his long hair sat just over his eyes.wooyoung had nearly forgotten about the boys in the living room until he heard seonghwa whisper yell in their direction. the other three had since fallen asleep.

"where are you going?" seonghwa asked them. hongjoong lay asleep in his lap, his pink hair covering his eyes.

"emergency room. san's not feeling well," wooyoung tells him. seonghwa nods. "you can take my car," he adds. knowing seonghwa he probably parked in front of san's car, and wooyoung was too lazy to move it so he nodded and took seonghwa's keys. lucky for him, seonghwa drove a bmw. having rich friends was definitely a plus sometimes.

san climbed into the passengers seat as wooyoung buckled his seatbelt, checking the mirrors.

"you can go ahead and sleep, it'll be a while till we get there baby." wooyoung turns to san, feeling his forehead before leaning forward to kiss his cheek.

"i'll stay up for as long as i can, i don't want you to be alone while driving." san pouts.

wooyoung knew there was no arguing with him. instead, he pulled out the driveway and they began on their way.

san had rolled the windows down as they merged onto the highway, taking in the ocean air.he smiled as the wind blew his bangs back, the smell of the salty water filling his lungs. 

he'd connected his bluetooth to the car, playing one of his favorite playlists. a gentle guitar melody filled the car, and as san listened, he could see colors. red, oranges, blue, and greens danced around in his mind as the melody continued, creating a picture so beautiful he couldn't even begin to explain it. 

"what're you thinking about sannie?" wooyoung asks san gently, rubbing his thigh.

"nothin really. just enjoying the music," san smiled softly. wooyoung was such an observant and gentle soul, and it was one of the many reasons san was so in love with him.wooyoung nods, turning onto the exit to the highway. san fidgeted with his baseball cap, feeling a bit restless as they neared the hospital.

"hey, i'll be with you until your released okay?" wooyoung reassured him in seeing his fidgeting. san nodded.

"wooyoung... thank you."

"what for?"

"you... you don't have to do this. any of this. i know it can be hard sometimes-"

"san it's not-"

"no let me finish youngie. it's not easy doing things like this. it is for you, because you've got the most beautiful soul. but not many people i know would do this for me. more often than not i'm a burden to the people in my life. except for my halmoni maybe. but seriously, i appreciate you a lot, and i just want to make sure i say that to you enough before i... before i go."

wooyoung sighs, running his fingers through his hair.

"i love you choi san."

_till the end of time._

san takes wooyoung's free hand in his. wooyoung had just pulled in to the parking lot of the 24 hour emergency care clinic, and san grabbed his medical papers from the dashboard, exiting the car. san hated talking to stangers. lucky for him, all he had to do when they arrived was hand the doctor his folder with his medical papers, containing all the information from his previous visits.

they lead him to a room to wait for the doctor to check him out. san had already changed into the hospital gown sitting on the examination table, having been used to these visits.

he sat atop the table, swinging his feet back and forth while waiting. wooyoung sat in the corner of the room, chewing his lip. in any other situation he'd be on his phone, but he was too nervous to do anything but wait.the doctor entered the room, her glasses a bit too large for her face.

"choi san?"

san nods.

her name tag reads dr. yerim. she fixes her glasses before giving him a quick once over. she then turns to wooyoung.

"my name is dr. yerim, i'll be taking care of you this evening."

she smiles and shakes his hand politely before turning to wooyoung.

"and that makes you..."

"jung wooyoung-"

"-my boyfriend," san interrupts wooyoung. he frowns, hoping the doctor wouldn't be harsh about the situation. she simply nods, writing something on her clipboard. wooyoung's eyes quickly shift to san's as they both notice it at the same time. her pen has a rainbow flag taped around the end of it. san raises an eyebrow and wooyoung smirks. they both got the message.

"so it says here this evening you were experiencing an upset stomach and vomiting. any other symptoms?"

"uh... headaches, dizziness, and slight shortness of breath."

she nods and writes everything down.

"hodgkinsons..." she mutters to herself.

"did you miss any medications today?"

san knits his eyebrows together, trying to recall all the pills he'd taken that day.

"i don't believe he did dr. yerim," wooyoung answers.

"we count out his pills together every night, at least three times."

dr. yerim nods, scribbling on her clipboard again.

"well, from the symptoms you've given me, it seems this just may be a side effect of the condition. there isn't much we can do about it besides up your dosages, however i don't think that's an idea that may entertain you very much," she frowns, her eyes squinting as she goes over the list of medications he's already been prescribed.

"we'll admit you for the next two days, have you on an iv, and check in after that and see how you're doing. unfortunately, these episodes may begin to increase in number and extremity. the best we can do is attempt to elongate and preserve what time you have left mr. choi, i'm sorry."

san smiles gently and nods.

"that's okay, if it's the best we can do i'll take it."

wooyoung is slumped over in his chair, scrolling through his phone. he's been updating the group chat on what the doctor has been saying, doing his best not to dissociate.

_youngie: they'll have him on an iv for a couple days and possibly prescribe new medication_

_sang the surfer: another one?_

_hongjoong hyung: we'll come see him tomorrow then_

_minki: should we bring him lunch ?_

_mars hyung: we'll get him something from johnny rockets and stop by tomorrow_

_youngie: you guys are awesome. thank you._

_minki: see u tomorrow wooyoung !_

the nurse has since transferred san to his overnight room, and against her better judgement allowed wooyoung to stay after realizing how far the drive was.

wooyoung went to the bathroom to change into his pajamas before sitting back down. san beckoned for wooyoung to join him in the bed, sliding his body over so his iv arm was on the outside of the bed and wooyoung could lie down with him.

wooyoung carefully climbed into the bed with him, turning off the lights in the room and turning the tv volume down all the way, but leaving it on. neither of them minded the subtle light of the screen.

wooyoung sighed as he laid down next to san. san had already been dozing off a bit, but couldn't fall asleep once he realized wooyoung wasn't next to him. and who was wooyoung to say no to his grabby hands and pout?

san was already half asleep, but had a small smile on his face. wooyoung kissed his forehead, feeling it for his temperature before running his fingers through san's hair.

"glad you're here with me woo," san sighed, leaning into his touch. wooyoung pulls him impossibly closer, wrapping his arm around san's waist.

"wouldn't wanna be anywhere else sannie," wooyoung whispers gently, hearing san's breathing level out.

"goodnight baby, i love you."

wooyoung closes his eyes, and immediately fell asleep.

...

the next morning was a late one for both boys. having woken around 11am, wooyoung went to brush his teeth and change into his day clothes, followed by san, who remained in his hospital gown.

a nurse came in to take san's vitals and give him his "breakfast," which consisted of a single fruit cup, a cup of ice, and a granola bar already in crumbs. san smiled and thanked her for the food, avoiding wooyoung's gaze, who was clearly trying not to laugh.

after she left the room, wooyoung doubled over in his chair, cackling. he'd tried his best not to distract san while taking to the nurse, but had definitely taken a picture of san's breakfast and sent it to the group chat.

_youngie: *sent a picture*_ 😭 😭 😭

_minki: that's so foul bro_ 😭

_hongjoong hyung: u know what maybe we'll leave early_

_sang the surfer: wooyoung where are ur car keys?_

_youngie: in my jacket hanging by the front door_

_minki: we’ll be there in an hour and 15_

_youngie: san says thank you_

wooyoung sends them an image of san sitting up in his hospital bed, his eyes half closed and holding up two thumbs up.

san sighs after he takes the picture, picking at his crumbled granola bar.

“being sick sucks.”

wooyoung can do nothing but nod. it was the truth.


End file.
